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Barista Bob

Former Software Engineer. Current Latte Artist.

Witness My Downfall View Cursed Menu
Scroll if you dare

// The Tragedy How I Learned to Stop Coding and Love the Espresso

while(alive)
{work();}

Employee of the Month
Every month. I'm the only one.

Class of 2019

They said a Computer Science degree was a golden ticket fancy napkin. Four years of algorithms, data structures, and crushing student debt later, here I am—the architect of your morning caffeine fix.

My GitHub is a graveyard of abandoned side projects. My LinkedIn says "Open to Opportunities" like a desperate ghost haunting the job market. But my latte art? Chef's kiss. I can draw a perfect leaf in foam faster than I can explain why I left my last three jobs.

" The coffee machine doesn't ask me to fix the printer. The coffee machine doesn't have a sprint retrospective. The coffee machine understands. "

So yes, I have a degree that cost more than this entire café. And yes, I'll be making your pumpkin spice latte with the same precision I once used to optimize O(n²) algorithms.

— Bob, Software Engineer Barista

// Skills I No Longer Use A Graveyard of Knowledge

R.I.P.

JavaScript

2015 - 2023

"Gone but not garbage collected"

R.I.P.

Python

2016 - 2023

"import antigravity failed"

R.I.P.

SQL

2017 - 2022

"SELECT * FROM memories WHERE joy = true returned 0 rows"

R.I.P.

My Dreams

1995 - 2023

"Compilation failed"

Current Skills (Actually Used)

Latte Art
Fake Smiling
Spelling Names Wrong
Existential Dread

// Summon Bob Reach Out (If You Must)

contact.sh

$ cat location.txt

📍 The Haunted Bean

666 Desperation Drive

Purgatory, CA 90210

$ echo $HOURS

⏰ 6AM - 6PM (Like my soul: dark early)

$ cat contact_methods.md

📧 bob@infinite-loop.coffee

📱 (555) 404-BREW

$ echo "Will code for tips"

█

Looking to hire a barista who over-engineers drink orders? Want to discuss the existential implications of caffeine dependency? Just need someone to talk to who won't try to sell you crypto?

I'm here, standing behind the counter, contemplating the void between espresso shots.